


Never Enough, Never Good Enough

by jhopefulyoongi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Binge Eating Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food Issues, Hospitalization, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Purging, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Support Groups, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, binge eating, body image issues, weight loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-11-21 05:30:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11350866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhopefulyoongi/pseuds/jhopefulyoongi
Summary: Jisoo was the one who noticed the first sign.It wasn't caused by Minghao's careless comments, but they didn't help.It was a cheat day for Hansol, he had half an orange for his breakfast





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ ALL OF THE TAGS BEFORE READING, THIS FIC CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING, PLS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. 
> 
> Also, the ship tags are in no particular order of importance, all of the ships tagged thus far will be important and prominent in this fic. 
> 
> Also, Hao seems like a bit of an asshole in this first bit, but I promise he didn't mean any harm.

Jisoo was the one who noticed the first sign, though it wasn't because Jeonghan cared any less, was any less observative of their other boyfriend. Jeonghan worked as a dental hygienist and had a crazy boss that always made him work irregular and hectic hours, while Jisoo’s schedule was much more normal, as long as you didn't count the endless hours of grading papers and slamming his head against his desk when he got home. Seungcheol worked at an animal shelter, and had the most regular hours between the three of them, usually coming home an hour or two before Jisoo did.

 

Seungcheol was a newer edition to their lives. Jeonghan and Jisoo had been together since college, but they had only been with Seungcheol a little over eight months, after going on date with him after they met him at a bar. Dating was, perhaps, a strong word. Jeonghan was the one who came up with the idea, because of course, he was, convincing Jisoo for them to take the boy with the pretty smile and long eyelashes home with them for the night. But they both liked him, and Jeonghan had been the one who had kissed Seungcheol the next morning and told him they were going to keep him, right before asking Seungcheol to tell them his name again. They both felt amazing when they were Seungcheol, not that they had been unhappy when it was just the two of them, but rather than being two pieces who matched together, they felt like they were meant to be three pieces that completed a whole. They asked Seungcheol to move officially in with them only after three months, and as they had expected, he fit in perfectly with them. 

 

Jisoo got home from work and was loosening his tie, looking around the kitchen for something for him to snack on before they made dinner. He usually got home later than this, because of his fellow teachers oh so lovingly volunteered the newbie to be in charge of detention duty, but luckily for him, someone else had gotten trapped with the deal. When he was going through the cabinets he noticed that some of the snacks that had been there that morning were gone and that there were crumbs all over the counter. He had called out for Seungcheol when he first got home but hadn't received an answer. So he called his name again and went into their bedroom, noticing that their bathroom door was closed, the light shining from underneath the door. 

 

“Seungcheol?” 

 

When he didn't answer again, Jisoo became a bit worried and decided to open the door, figuring that it wouldn't that embarrassing if everything was okay and he was just doing his business. It wasn't like any of them hadn't jammed their way into the bathroom to brush their teeth or do their hair in the morning when the other was on the toilet or taking a shower. 

 

He was right to come in though. Seungcheol was on his knees and throwing up, making horrible retching noises. The sight shocked him because he had never seen his boyfriend getting sick like that before, so he immediately kneeled on the bathroom floor with him and ran a hand down his back, making him jump horribly and look up at him, spittle on his chin. 

 

“Jisoo,” Seungcheol said, turning his head. “Don't look, it’s disgusting.”

 

Jisoo blatantly ignored him. “Honey, are you okay? You don't look well.” He really didn't, it wasn't even just that his cheeks were red from vomiting, he didn't look like himself, his eyes were glossy and hazed and had a look in them Jisoo didn't recognize.

 

It took a moment for Seungcheol’s eyes to focus and finally look up at him. “I’m fine, thank you. I must have just eaten something bad.” 

 

Seungcheol was famous for having an iron stomach, but Jisoo guessed there must be things that would make even him sick. 

 

“Do you think you have food poisoning, baby?” Jisoo asked, standing up to wet a washcloth for Seungcheol’s face as said man flushed the sick away. 

 

“Maybe,” Seungcheol said, still sitting on the floor. “I ordered from a place I usually don't for lunch, that must have been it.” 

 

Jisoo hummed, ringing out the cloth before squatting in front of Seungcheol, taking him by the chin and carefully wiping off his mouth and the sweat on his forehead. “Maybe you shouldn't order from there again,” Jisoo told him gently, helping him stand back up, and that's when he noticed something really odd. The thing that planted the seed in his head that something was very wrong. The fingers on Seungcheol’s right hand were wet with saliva as if they had been in his mouth. 

 

He grabbed Seungcheol’s wrist and looked at him questioningly, but Seungcheol tore his hand away. 

 

“That’s gross, Shua. I have vomit on my hand, don't touch it.” Jisoo didn't mention how that certainly was not anything Seungcheol had thrown up, and just watched him carefully as he washed his hands, taking note on how those hands were shaking and Seungcheol looked a bit unbalanced. 

 

It made Jisoo forget about what he had seen for a moment. He grabbed Seungcheol by the shoulders delicately and lead him to their bed, making him sit down on it. 

 

“You should rest for a bit, okay? I’ll make us dinner and come get you in a few hours.” Seungcheol’s face twisted, but Jisoo thought it was just because the mention of food reminded him of throwing up. Jisoo kissed his head and helped him to bed, tucking the blanket up over him and telling him to rest. 

 

He called his mom, forgetting the time difference not for the first time, to ask her what to make for someone with food poisoning. So when Jeonghan wandered through the door at 7 pm in dirty scrubs and messy hair, Jisoo was desperately trying to forage the chicken and tomato soup he had tried to make from his mom’s recipe. 

 

“Where’s Cheolie?” Jeonghan asked, taking a seat at the breakfast bar, after only kicking off his shoes at the door. 

 

“He has food poisoning, so I’m making him soup.”

 

Jeonghan got up and looked into the pan. “That’s soup? It looks more like slop to me.” 

 

“I’ve never had to make soup before.” Jisoo defended himself. 

 

“Just make him ramen,” Jeonghan said, opening the cabinet where they kept the rice, noodles, and ramen, only to see that there was no ramen in there. Which was also a bit odd, because Jisoo was sure he had bought a pack when he went shopping the other night. 

 

“Didn't we say we weren't just gonna eat ramen for lunch anymore?” Jeonghan said to Jisoo, closing the cabinet and rolling his eyes. “Poor Cheolie, that's only gonna make his stomach feel worse.” He said, once again looking into the pot that Jisoo was stirring frantically and trying to save. 

 

“I didn't eat it,” Jisoo said. It was no secret that neither he nor Jeonghan could cook that well, but they had been trying to prepare simple things to bring to work for lunch so they wouldn't[ have to eat ramen all the time. “Seungcheol probably brought it to work to leave in the employee kitchen for the younger kids again.” 

 

Jeonghan clicked his tongue. “That place is so cheap, can't even buy their own ramen.” Jeonghan picked up a spoon and poked the sludge. “Throw that away and order something out. I’m gonna go change.” 

 

Jisoo made one final protest in defense for his soup as Jeonghan entered their bedroom to strip himself of his gross scrubs. Half naked, Jeonghan crawled into bed underneath the lump in the center. 

 

“Are you awake? Shua is ordering us food because his soup sucks.” Jeonghan said, pulling the blanket off of Seungcheol’s face. His boyfriend was indeed awake, but his eyes were red-rimmed and there were half-dried tears on his face. 

 

“Cheolie? What's the matter?” Jeonghan said, trying to cup his face only to have Seungcheol pull away from him, curling further in on himself. 

 

“I don't wanna eat,” Seungcheol said. 

 

“Do you still not feel good?” Jeonghan asked, running his fingers through Seungcheol’s dark locks. 

 

Seungcheol was quiet for a moment or two before he answered. “Yeah. I don't feel good. I’ll eat in the morning.” Seungcheol felt like gagging at the thought of putting anything else in his mouth, the guilt burning harshly in his stomach, but he didn't let it show, he couldn't let it show. He had kept this secret for so long, he couldn't let either of them know about it now. He was gross, he was disgusting, he didn't have any right to eat anything at the size he had let himself get too. 

 

Jeonghan hummed and leaned down, leaving a kiss on his face, wiping the tears from his face. “I think you should eat something, it’ll help.”

 

“No,” Seungcheol said, trying not to seem snappy. “I can't, I’ll just throw it all up again and I’ll feel even worse, Hannie,”

 

Jeonghan sighed. “Okay. But you have to eat in the morning.” 

 

Seungcheol nodded and Jeonghan gave him another kiss. “Get some rest, Cheolie. We’ll be outside if you need anything.” 

 

By the time he had showered and gone back out into the kitchen, making sure not to wake up Seungcheol, the food Jisoo had ordered in was out on the counter. 

 

“Where’s Seungcheol?” Jisoo asked. 

 

“He said he feels too sick to eat, I’ll make him something to eat in the morning.” They both went quiet and looked at each other. “Or maybe I’ll just get him something at the bakery before he wakes up.”

 

“Probably for the best.” Jisoo took his food to go eat in the living room. Jeonghan grabbed a paper towel to wipe up whatever sauce that had spilled a bit on the counter and opened up the trash can. Five or so red packets of ramen were jammed together on the top, and underneath that, a few empty bags of chips and crackers. 

 

Damn, Jisoo. Jeonghan knew he was gonna go back on their promise and do this. 

 

………………………….

 

It certainly wasn't caused by the careless comments from Minghao, but it didn't help, it made it much worse. At the time, Junhui was already skipping dinner, too afraid to put on any weight. The four of them hadn't been dating as a unit for too long, and he didn't want them to lose interest in him. He thought that as long as he ate a decent breakfast and lunch, he would have nothing to worry about, and his health would be fine. His mom always told him to not skip his meals, but he thought it was okay, he thought everything would be fine. Sure, sometimes his stomach would keep him up during the night, but that was okay. He could handle it. 

“Should I have beef wraps or pork ramen for lunch?” Junhui wondered aloud at the breakfast table to his three boyfriends. It was lunch, after all, a meal he was allowing himself to have, so he was looking forward to it. Mingyu was concentrated on his breakfast, and both Minghao and Wonwoo were on their phones. 

 

“Is food all you ever think about?” Minghao said, not looking up from his phone. 

 

The words stung Junhui, but he didn't let it show, he just continued on smiling and slurping up the breakfast Mingyu had made them. When his plates were empty, his stomach still felt empty, and there was still no conversation going on at the table, so he decided to think out loud like he often did when things were too quiet for his liking. 

 

“Should I have more of this, or leftovers from last night?” he asked them.

 

“Stop eating,” Minghao responded with a snort. 

 

Minghao’s words weren't meant to be harsh, they were playful and teasing, but Junhui’s insecure brain didn't interpret it that way. 

 

Sometimes, he threw up after the two meals he allowed himself to eat. He told himself that it wasn't on purpose and that he was probably just eating too much, so his body was getting rid the extra food he had tried to force down. That must be it, of course, he wasn't doing on purpose. He looked fine, right? Yeah, of course, he did. They would tell him if he didn't.

 

Or maybe….that was Minghao’s way of telling him. With that in mind, Junhui got up from the table and went to the sink, cleaning up all the dishes he had used and setting them on the drying rack. 

 

“Don't you want the rest of it?” Mingyu said, walking into the kitchen behind him, gesturing to the nearly empty pan of their breakfast. 

 

_ Of course, he thinks you would eat the rest, look at you. _

 

_ What do you mean, look at me?  _

 

Junhui shook his head and gave Mingyu an uneasy smile, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the fact that he was shirtless in front of his boyfriend. He scurried off into the bathroom, and his hands, without even thinking, went down to his sides where he pinched at his skin and fat. 

 

Something was very wrong. He had gained weight, he could feel it. How had that happened? He hadn't been eating that much, he was skipping dinner and not eating snacks so he could lose weight. 

 

“Wonwoo,” Junhui said when his boyfriend walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. “Have I gained weight?” he asked, still pinching his sides harshly, making his skin turn red. 

 

Wonwoo looked at him in the mirror. “I don't know, maybe?” 

 

_ That means yes. Oh my god, you’re disgusting. He thinks you’re disgusting, look at how he looks at you!  _

 

Junhui looked back at Wonwoo, who was looking away from him while he brushed his teeth.

 

_ What do you mean? He wasn't looking.  _

 

_ He wasn't looking because he doesn't wanna lose his breakfast.  _

 

Junhui went into the bathroom on the other side of the apartment and lost his own breakfast. 

 

…………. 

 

It was a cheat day for Hansol, he had half a n orange for his breakfast. Usually, he had half a glass of almond milk, but he was going to visit his family today. His mother would be disappointed if he didn't eat something a little bit heftier for his breakfast. Maybe he had overdone it though? He would have to go for a run before he walked home. 

 

“No almond milk today?” His roommate Chan commented, eating a bowl of cereal against the counter. Chan was so nice and thin, Hansol wished he could have his body. 

 

“Are exams getting to you, bro?” Chan asked, climbing up to sit on the counter. “You look a bit starved.”

 

Hansol knew Chan must be being sarcastic with him and told himself that he would have to go to the gym after he left his parents house too. He had been slacking a lot recently, hadn't he? He needed to study and eat less, and work out some more. He was really letting himself go this semester. 

 

Hansol threw the remaining slices of orange away and went to go get ready to leave. His sweatshirt hung loosely around his waist and his arms. Mmm, it must have stretched out in the wash.

 

He should really be more careful.  


	2. Chapter 2

Jisoo was eating the lunch that Seungcheol had made for him and Jeonghan the night before. A sweet potato, broccoli with sesame oil and shredded pieces of chicken breast. His students were off having their lunch and he was seated at his desk in the staff room, eyes skimming over his emails and taking a bite of the food his boyfriend made every once and awhile. He glanced at the clock that read twelve thirty and made a quiet sigh to himself as he opened up a new tab. He had been thinking of looking it up for awhile now, and he hoped he was wrong. 

 

_ Signs of an eating disorder,  _ Jisoo typed. He looked at the words and hesitated, but eventually pressed the enter key and waited with bated breath as search results started to pop up. Not knowing where to start, Jisoo clicked on the first link at the top of the page and waited for the slow school wifi to bring up the page. 

 

The first thing that had Jisoo feel suspicious had been the saliva on his fingers and the vomiting, but then Jeonghan scolded him for eating all of the food, telling him about the ramen packets and snacks he had found in the garbage. Jisoo knew he hadn't eaten them, and when he tried to ask Seungcheol about it the next morning, he gave Jisoo a nearly frightened look before yelling that it wasn't him and then leaving the apartment, insisting that he had to get to work early that day.  

 

Three lists of symptoms for the three most common eating disorders were displayed, and Jisoo picked through them, feeling his stomach drop when he got to the list for bulimia nervosa and he was overwhelmed with familiarity. His fingers shook as he opened another tab and he sat there at his desk, lunch long forgotten, as he looked through list after list and article after article about what he was sure his boyfriend was suffering from. 

 

The bell rang loudly overhead and one of Jisoo’s colleagues gave him a look as she passed by and saw that he hadn't moved from his seat. Jisoo let out a loud sigh and ran a hand through his combed back hair, trying to ignore the prickling of his eyes. He closed all of the tabs and then shut his laptop down. 

 

He would have to talk to Jeonghan about this first. 

 

…

 

Seungcheol must still be avoiding him because he texted Jisoo and told him that he was going to be working later and wouldn't be back home until later that night, even though the shelter itself closed at around five. Jisoo was sitting on the couch when Jeonghan got home, a bottle of beer in his hand and another one already empty on the coffee table in front of him. Jisoo didn't get drunk easily, but he also didn't drink often, so when Jeonghan saw that he was he knew something must have been really bothering him. 

 

“What's wrong, Shua?” Jeonghan asked him softly. He sat down on the couch and noticed the tears threatening to spill over and Jeonghan wrapped an arm around him, allowing him to lean into Jeonghan for support, one of the man's hands rubbing at the muscles underneath his shoulders. 

 

“Is it your mom?” Jeonghan asked in concern. “Or did something happen at work?” 

 

“It’s Cheolie.” Jisoo said, softly and sadly. “I think something's wrong with him, Jeonghan, I think he’s really sick.” 

 

Jisoo saw the confusion and worry on Jeonghan’s face and reached up to cup the side of his face as he explained to him what he had seen, about how he really hadn't eaten any of those snacks and Seungcheol’s reaction when he asked him about it, and then he told him about his research that afternoon, and as he listed down the symptoms he thought Seungcheol had, the ones he recognized, he saw how Jeonghan’s eyes widened, how he didn't want to accept it but how he also couldn't deny the familiarity he was seeing, how spot on it all was. 

 

By the end, Jeonghan was sitting with his head in his hands and Jisoo was rubbing his back, trying to ignore the small shake in his hands and how Jeonghan’s shoulders were trembling. The room was quiet and weighted down by their guilt, how horrible they felt by not putting the pieces together any sooner. Jisoo knew that Jeonghan felt even worse than he did, and Jisoo wanted to tell him not to feel bad, he shouldn't, it wasn't his fault, but he knew that now wasn't the time and that it would just make him angry and even more upset, so he stayed silent and tried to give him support and comfort through his touch. 

 

“We need to help him,” Jeonghan said finally, and Jisoo nodded in agreement, his hand running up until to it was in Jeonghan’s hair. He ran his fingers through his dyed locks for a few moments until he sat back up. 

 

When Seungcheol finally did return home, it was late, late enough that all of three of them were usually all in bed together already. The drinks had long since been put away, but Jeonghan and Jisoo were still seated in the living together side by side. Jeonghan had showered and they had both finally changed out of their work clothes, but neither of them had been able to eat, and neither of them felt tired at all. They waited for Seungcheol to come back home, occasionally saying something to each other, but mostly just sitting in silence, lost in their own thoughts. 

 

They both looked at the door when Seungcheol stepped in and when he saw them, his eyes widened and he grabbed the handle of the door that had already shut close behind him, looking as if he was going to open it and run away again. Jisoo noticed the calluses and slight bruising on his knuckles, the marks that he had always assumed were from work, and his stomach dropped into an endless bit. Jeonghan himself was fighting nausea that had suddenly overtaken him when he saw the bags underneath Seungcheol’s eyes, the marks on his knuckles, the crumbs on his clothes, and how tired and sickly he looked. They both wanted to cry, but they couldn't allow themselves that. 

 

“Sweetie,” Jeonghan began, doing his best to keep his voice even. “Come sit with me and Shua, okay? We need to talk.” 

 

…

 

Of course, Mingyu had noticed that Junhui wasn't acting like himself. He barely touched any of his food during meals, he never stood in the kitchen while Mingyu was cooking, a plate already in hand and eagerly waiting for the food to be ready, he didn't talk at the table when they could actually get him to eat with them and he was quieter in general. He never joined them for dinner and whenever any of them tried to ask him about it, he always insisted that he had something to do and would either go to their room and go on his laptop or phone or leave their apartment all together and leave for hours on end. He knew Wonwoo and Minghao had noticed too, that they were all worried about him and were just trying to think of a way to approach him and ask him about what was bothering him. 

 

It was a quiet night, Minghao was out at a club with some of his friends and Wonwoo was working third shift, while Mingyu and Junhui were asleep in bed together, the older curled up tightly into Mingyu’s side for warmth. 

 

It was a quiet night until Mingyu woke up to Junhui screaming and crying. Mingyu jolted awake and looked around for anything of any immediate danger, like a robber or something like that, only to see that Junhui had thrown up in bed and was clutching at his stomach, distressed and pained sobs falling from his mouth. Mingyu took a closer look and saw that his vomit had a coffee ground appearance, he had thrown up blood. 

 

“Come on baby,” Mingyu prompted him as gently as he could. “Try to get up, I’m taking you to the hospital.” 

 

“It’s hurt Gyu, it hurts.” Junhui sobbed and Mingyu fought back his own tears at his beautiful face wrinkled in pain and covered with spit and tears. Mingyu picked him up as gently as he could and carried him to his car, trying to not jerk Junhui around too much as he drove. On the way, Junhui threw up, even more, blood on the car floor. He definitely broke at least seven traffic laws after that, but God was apparently on his side that day because they didn't get stopped and Mingyu pulled into the emergency room parking lot after that, hurriedly picking Junhui up and carrying him inside. 

 

It was all very hectic and confusing then, Mingyu cut about six people in line and almost got the security guard called on him before he was able to explain to the receptionist that his boyfriend was throwing up blood and had a fever and horrible pain in his stomach. Thankfully, he was able to get the words out, and a nurse immediately came out with a stretcher to take Junhui into testing. Junhui laid him down on the stretcher and a gave him a delicate kiss, promising that he would be right in as soon as they were done with testing him. 

 

He paced around aimlessly in the waiting room for about ten minutes before he took the empty seat furthest from anyone else and took out his phone, calling Minghao. 

 

“Hao, thank god you answered.” Doing the best he could, Mingyu explained what happened and Minghao told him that he was leaving the club right now and would be at the hospital soon. Mingyu wasn't sure if he should call Wonwoo or not while he was working, but he decided that Wonwoo would be pissed at him if he didn't later on, so he called Wonwoo and waited for him to answer, eyes landing on double doors and waiting for someone to come out and tell him something, anything. 

 

Wonwoo answered the phone, sounding exhausted, and Mingyu almost felt guilt as he told him. The line went quiet for a full minute, and then Wonwoo told him he was going to tell his boss there was an emergency and that he would be there as soon as he could as well. Mingyu texted Minghao that Wonwoo was going to leave work, and his other boyfriend texted back that he would pick up Wonwoo on his way over and to not worry because he would let Wonwoo knew he was coming for him. 

 

Mingyu sighed and slumped in his seat, hoping someone would come soon, whether it be a nurse or his boyfriends. 

 

… 

 

Chan found Hansol in their bathroom on the floor and unconscious, everything on their tiny counter space knocked to the floor and surrounding him. Chan did whatever normal college student would do in that situation when they found their friend and roommate passed out on the floor. He completely freaked out and started screaming until someone from down the hall came to the door, saw what happened, and called an ambulance for him. 

 

Chan couldn't go to the hospital with him because he wasn't a spouse or a relative, but he did promise an unconscious Hansol that he would come see him. And then he sat down on the stoop of their building and called Hansol’s parents. 

 

…

 

When Hansol wakes up, there's an IV in his pale arm and a handsome man with a round face and blonde hair checking his vitals. He was wearing scrubs with tiny purple and pink characters on it and had a serious expression on his face, an expression that only lasted until he looked down and saw that Hansol was awake and staring at him. 

 

The man gives him a small smile, that's not happy nor unpleasant, but somewhere near sadness. 

 

“I’ll let your parents know you’re awake.” 


End file.
